Bearing fruit

I had this moment last night when I realized what a failure I am as a Christian. Is it humility?  I am not so sure, it might be.  When there is nothing in your life that seems to be bearing fruit, when you are not engaged in using your gifts, not engaging with others, and have no resources to give other than time, talent and energy...a person can feel like he is just taking up space.

I have heard whispers in my ear in the dark that I am just not as good as I think I am at music, at ministry, at teaching, at caring for others, at writing, at life.  Events have transpired that would seem to confirm some of that, and I am the worst person to ask regarding my abilities and true gifts.  I am so insecure and blind when it comes to perspective on myself.

Part of this comes from not really feeling like I have anything to contribute at our current church.  Normally I have been in the worship band and youth ministry but my friend Scott Pagel has such freedom and skill on solo guitar and vocals - he has such a sweet spot in the song of God sung over us that I dare not attempt to add any more.  There are only a couple of teens so no youth ministry seems warranted.  I know I am good with kids, but who wants a fat balding guy for their youth leader anyway?  I think sometimes I should find a church, ANY church that needs a worship leader and help them out.

And missions... I use to be so active in the mission field, in serving others and supporting helpful organizations, but I haven't done a trip since 2009.  Haven't worked in a soup kitchen in a couple of years, Habitat for Humanity folded in Lebanon, we have worked at Matthew 25 a few times- I guess I am feeling like my faith is not bearing fruit.  That it is all talk and no action lately.  There must be more than words.